Awards are for recog­ni­tion by ones peers that you’ve done an out­stand­ing job in your cho­sen field. It says to every­one whose pay­ing atten­tion that you are wor­thy of the encomi­ums being afford­ed your effort. It says you have risen above all the half-assed effort and mis­guid­ed ener­gy that bore less than per­fect fruit. Or does it? You know why they don’t give awards to politi­cians? There are no awards for politi­cians because pol­i­tics is a self serv­ing lie. It’s Hol­ly­wood for ugly peo­ple some­one once opined. It’s a game played by peo­ple who have to bull­shit the many to get swag for the few. Pol­i­tics has no place in an awards cer­e­mo­ny. Awards are sup­posed to hon­or it’s can­di­dates on their mer­i­to­ri­ous achieve­ments alone. If that’s true then, how come peo­ple cam­paign for awards?

Why is the Acad­e­my Award giv­en to the per­son who cam­paigns the most and more vig­or­ous­ly and suc­cess­ful­ly? The per­son who gave their all and made a bet­ter con­tri­bu­tion to the human­i­ties can lose to the bet­ter cam­paign­er. What does this mean for the arts and sci­ences if pol­i­tics enters into the deci­sion process? Can the guy who cures can­cer be beat­en for a Nobel by the guy who invents the self clean­ing toi­let seat because he failed to cam­paign effec­tive­ly? I’ve heard it said that Bill Gates, being the intense­ly goal ori­ent­ed man that he is, has embarked on a cam­paign to win a Nobel for his phil­an­thropy, and is will­ing to spend what­ev­er it takes to get one.  What? Sounds crazy does­n’t it? Is noth­ing sacred? Then again the whole idea of a “peace prize” named for a guy who invent­ed dyna­mite and blew up half of his fam­i­ly’s man­sion and killed his broth­er in the process sounds ludi­crous does­n’t it? The world is full of it’s lit­tle ironies.

The Oscars are com­ing up in a cou­ple of days as I write this, and I can’t help but won­der if the Awards are ren­dered mean­ing­less by the pol­i­tics that will deter­mine the ulti­mate out­come? It’s not unlike bid­ding for an Oscar on ebay.  In fact it may come to that one day. The pomp and the speech­es and the cheek­i­ness. The red car­pet and the vain­glo­ri­ous triv­ia about gowns and pageantry.  They don’t dis­guise the fun­da­men­tal hypocrisy that is Awards Cer­e­monies. I could get into the cur­rent fall of sports heroes from pot smok­ing swim­mers (what lungs!) to steroid shoot­ing slug­gers, but that’s fod­der for anoth­er blog.

A lot of the movies that win Oscars are for­get­table as time goes on. I for one can’t remem­ber what won best pic­ture last year. What does “best pic­ture” mean any­way? Is it “best” because it made more mon­ey? Well the Awards peo­ple aren’t stu­pid, the art­ful dodgers that they are, they would nev­er open­ly con­sid­er mon­ey as an arbiter of wor­thi­ness. This is about image! The mon­ey spent on cam­paign­ing for the Oscar notwith­stand­ing, the Award is giv­en for the intan­gi­ble things that a pic­ture brings to the screen. Intan­gi­ble things that can’t be put in a swag bag and car­ried home or stacked up in a cor­ner and pol­ished or admired are the things that Awards are giv­en for…things that gov­ern­ments get young peo­ple to fight and die for, like integri­ty, hon­or, moral fiber, all that jazz that bull­shit­ters spew to talk you out of a pint of blood or your hard earned mon­ey.

The Oscars are about brag­ging rights and increased bar­gain­ing pow­er at the table when mon­ey is stacked up for the next big bud­get box office con­struc­tion.

If you win a pres­ti­gious award it means that you have some­thing that mon­ey can’t buy. Since you’ve already got plen­ty of mon­ey and found it want­i­ng, (I hear it can’t buy hap­pi­ness and since I don’t know how much hap­pi­ness costs I’ll have to take that on faith) the only thing left is self aggran­dize­ment and brag­ging rights. Will the win­ners of the piss­ing con­test please extend their Awards so we can all drool at them? After the Oscars, and I’m sure this goes for any­one who gets that call from the Nobel peo­ple at 5 in the morn­ing, you have the right to strut your stuff like the cock of the walk, if you’ve won of course. You can even strut if you were nom­i­nat­ed.

The point is that in the Hol­ly­wood jun­gle, win­ning an Oscar means your dick is big­ger than the oth­er guys dick, and who does­n’t want to have the biggest swing­ing dick in the jun­gle? You got­ta watch out though, the big­ger the dick the big­ger the entan­gle­ments. Look at past win­ners whose heads got as big as their dicks and they refused one too many script offers and wound up play­ing oppo­site dogs, pup­pets and chil­dren in asi­nine drek. You know who I’m talk­ing about. Straight to the DVD remain­der bins they went where past swing­ing dicks shriv­el.  I saw the mum­mi­fied remains of some poor stiff at the British Muse­um once. He had died in the desert, but he still had his “pack­age”. Sure it was shriv­eled and thou­sands of years old, but it was still there, rep­re­sentin’! There’s hope for those who keep their pow­der dry.

Some have been saved from this fate of the shriv­eled dick and giv­en the career equiv­a­lent of a dose of Via­gra. You know who I’m talk­ing about. Some grab a gun and sell nar­cotics and rob liquor stores or O.D. on meth. Hol­ly­wood if noth­ing else is an image town, which has the sub­stance of plas­tic. I think the Oscar is real­ly gold, isn’t it? Maybe I can find one cheap on eBay?

Ira Har­mon