Awards are for recog­ni­tion by ones peers that you’ve done an out­stand­ing job in your cho­sen field. It says to every­one whose pay­ing atten­tion that you are wor­thy of the encomi­ums being afford­ed your effort. It says you have risen above all the half-assed effort and mis­guid­ed ener­gy that bore less than per­fect fruit. Or does it? You know why they don’t give awards to politi­cians? There are no awards for politi­cians because pol­i­tics is a self serv­ing lie. It’s Hol­ly­wood for ugly peo­ple some­one once opined. It’s a game played by peo­ple who have to bull­shit the many to get swag for the few. Pol­i­tics has no place in an awards cer­e­mo­ny. Awards are sup­posed to hon­or it’s can­di­dates on their mer­i­to­ri­ous achieve­ments alone. If that’s true then, how come peo­ple cam­paign for awards?

Why is the Acad­e­my Award giv­en to the per­son who cam­paigns the most and more vig­or­ous­ly and suc­cess­ful­ly? The per­son who gave their all and made a bet­ter con­tri­bu­tion to the human­i­ties can lose to the bet­ter cam­paign­er. What does this mean for the arts and sci­ences if pol­i­tics enters into the deci­sion process? Can the guy who cures can­cer be beat­en for a Nobel by the guy who invents the self clean­ing toi­let seat because he failed to cam­paign effec­tive­ly? I’ve heard it said that Bill Gates, being the intense­ly goal ori­ent­ed man that he is, has embarked on a cam­paign to win a Nobel for his phil­an­thropy, and is will­ing to spend what­ev­er it takes to get one.  What? Sounds crazy does­n’t it? Is noth­ing sacred? Then again the whole idea of a “peace prize” named for a guy who invent­ed dyna­mite and blew up half of his fam­i­ly’s man­sion and killed his broth­er in the process sounds ludi­crous does­n’t it? The world is full of it’s lit­tle ironies.

The Oscars are com­ing up in a cou­ple of days as I write this, and I can’t help but won­der if the Awards are ren­dered mean­ing­less by the pol­i­tics that will deter­mine the ulti­mate out­come? It’s not unlike bid­ding for an Oscar on ebay.  In fact it may come to that one day. The pomp and the speech­es and the cheek­i­ness. The red car­pet and the vain­glo­ri­ous triv­ia about gowns and pageantry.  They don’t dis­guise the fun­da­men­tal hypocrisy that is Awards Cer­e­monies. I could get into the cur­rent fall of sports heroes from pot smok­ing swim­mers (what lungs!) to steroid shoot­ing slug­gers, but that’s fod­der for anoth­er blog.

A lot of the movies that win Oscars are for­get­table as time goes on. I for one can’t remem­ber what won best pic­ture last year. What does “best pic­ture” mean any­way? Is it “best” because it made more mon­ey? Well the Awards peo­ple aren’t stu­pid, the art­ful dodgers that they are, they would nev­er open­ly con­sid­er mon­ey as an arbiter of wor­thi­ness. This is about image! The mon­ey spent on cam­paign­ing for the Oscar notwith­stand­ing, the Award is giv­en for the intan­gi­ble things that a pic­ture brings to the screen. Intan­gi­ble things that can’t be put in a swag bag and car­ried home or stacked up in a cor­ner and pol­ished or admired are the things that Awards are giv­en for…things that gov­ern­ments get young peo­ple to fight and die for, like integri­ty, hon­or, moral fiber, all that jazz that bull­shit­ters spew to talk you out of a pint of blood or your hard earned money.

The Oscars are about brag­ging rights and increased bar­gain­ing pow­er at the table when mon­ey is stacked up for the next big bud­get box office construction.

If you win a pres­ti­gious award it means that you have some­thing that mon­ey can’t buy. Since you’ve already got plen­ty of mon­ey and found it want­i­ng, (I hear it can’t buy hap­pi­ness and since I don’t know how much hap­pi­ness costs I’ll have to take that on faith) the only thing left is self aggran­dize­ment and brag­ging rights. Will the win­ners of the piss­ing con­test please extend their Awards so we can all drool at them? After the Oscars, and I’m sure this goes for any­one who gets that call from the Nobel peo­ple at 5 in the morn­ing, you have the right to strut your stuff like the cock of the walk, if you’ve won of course. You can even strut if you were nominated.

The point is that in the Hol­ly­wood jun­gle, win­ning an Oscar means your dick is big­ger than the oth­er guys dick, and who does­n’t want to have the biggest swing­ing dick in the jun­gle? You got­ta watch out though, the big­ger the dick the big­ger the entan­gle­ments. Look at past win­ners whose heads got as big as their dicks and they refused one too many script offers and wound up play­ing oppo­site dogs, pup­pets and chil­dren in asi­nine drek. You know who I’m talk­ing about. Straight to the DVD remain­der bins they went where past swing­ing dicks shriv­el.  I saw the mum­mi­fied remains of some poor stiff at the British Muse­um once. He had died in the desert, but he still had his “pack­age”. Sure it was shriv­eled and thou­sands of years old, but it was still there, rep­re­sentin’! There’s hope for those who keep their pow­der dry.

Some have been saved from this fate of the shriv­eled dick and giv­en the career equiv­a­lent of a dose of Via­gra. You know who I’m talk­ing about. Some grab a gun and sell nar­cotics and rob liquor stores or O.D. on meth. Hol­ly­wood if noth­ing else is an image town, which has the sub­stance of plas­tic. I think the Oscar is real­ly gold, isn’t it? Maybe I can find one cheap on eBay?

Ira Har­mon